


I Am More Than My Scars

by ragdoll-hux (sparkinthedark)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Past Abuse, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-11 14:42:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13526442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkinthedark/pseuds/ragdoll-hux
Summary: Grand Marshal Hux is distraught when he discovers what kind of training Supreme Leader Ren is engaging in to keep himself bound to the dark side, and suspects the involvement of the deceased Snoke.Excerpt:Hux had noticed a change in Kylo in the last few weeks. He used to be filled with such violent, uncontrollable energy, but recently all of that seemed to have seeped away. At first Hux assumed that it was just the pressure of being Supreme Leader that was getting him down. Even though Hux helped him as best he could as his Grand Marshal, being Supreme Leader was still incredibly stressful, and Kylo had the tendency to push himself too hard if he wasn't reigned in a little.





	I Am More Than My Scars

**Author's Note:**

  * For [transkylo (captainandor)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainandor/gifts).



> I really hope you enjoy this. Despite the sound of the summary it's actually incredibly fluffy, and includes lots of non-sexual intimacy, and the boys looking after and comforting each other. I started out with a plan for this, and it got a bit derailed so I hope this came out okay in the end!

Hux had noticed a change in Kylo in the last few weeks. He used to be filled with such violent, uncontrollable energy, but recently all of that seemed to have seeped away. At first Hux assumed that it was just the pressure of being Supreme Leader that was getting him down. Even though Hux helped him as best he could as his Grand Marshal, being Supreme Leader was still incredibly stressful, and Kylo had the tendency to push himself too hard if he wasn't reigned in a little. 

That night Hux worked until late in their shared bedchamber, finishing off some reports, and by the time he was finished it was a lot later than he expected. Normally Hux just worked until Kylo came back in the evening and pulled him away from his desk, but tonight Kylo had not returned. He was concerned, it wasn't like Kylo to work so late, and if they were on the same ship he couldn't normally be kept away from Hux for even one night. 

Hux called Kylo's comm to check where he had got to, but he received no answer. He frowned at his comm, this was very strange indeed, where had he got to? Hux sighed as he got up from his desk and went to search. He started in the throne room, but there was no sign there. Then he tried the bridge; no such luck. He asked the third shift commander if she'd seen the Supreme Leader, but she said they hadn't seen him all shift. 

Curiouser and curiouser, Hux thought. There was only one other place Hux could think to look, which was Kylo's personal training room. The 'training room' was actually the quarters Kylo had occupied before he became the Supreme Leader, which he had kitted out as a gym. Hux hadn't actually seen the room since the refit, but he imagined it would look just like any other training room.

The override code was still the same, so Hux punched it into the keypad and went inside. What he found inside was not at all what he expected. There were no training mats, no weights, in fact no gym equipment of any sort; the room was stripped bare and dimly lit, and Kylo was kneeling at the centre without his shirt on. Hux stood frozen just inside the doorway and watched the scene with baited breath. He didn't see Kylo move, but suddenly he heard a loud crack and Kylo cried out in anguish. 

After a moment his eyes got used to the low light, and he could now make out what looked like a whip floating in the air behind Kylo's back. The sound of the whip cracked again, and Hux gasped; he was punishing himself, it seemed, but for what purpose?

“Kylo?” Hux called out. He tried to keep his voice steady, but he couldn't quite manage it. Kylo didn't seem to hear him, so Hux marched quickly across the room and stood in front of him. “What in the blazes are you doing?”

Kylo seemed to snap out of it all of a sudden; the whip clattered to the floor, and he looked up at Hux standing above him. “Hux?” He asked in a rasping voice. “What are you doing here?”

Hux could see now how red Kylo's eyes looked; he must have been crying very recently. “It's the middle of the night, you didn't come home, I was worried,” Hux said. Kylo didn't move, so Hux knelt down in front of him to get a closer look at his face.

“Why are you hurting yourself, Kylo?” Hux asked. He gently pushed Kylo's hair back and stroked his cheek, and he could see now that Kylo looked terrible; like death warmed up. He had definitely been right to have worried. Kylo looked away in embarrassment.

“My powers have weakened,” Kylo answered. “Pain keeps me bound to the dark side.”

Hux felt a flare of anger flow through him. “Who told you that? Snoke?” Hux asked with a dismissive sneer. Kylo shrugged in the way Hux had learnt actually meant yes. “What the hell did Snoke know? If he was so wise than how come you tricked him? How come he's dead and you're not?”

“I thought it would help,” Kylo admitted. “I don't think I can do this, lead a galaxy, it's too much.”

Hux sighed and gently stroked Kylo's hair, which always seemed to sooth him. “You're not alone, you know, I want to help you.”

Kylo sighed and lent into Hux's touch. Hux took the opportunity to examine the damage Kylo had inflicted on himself, and winced when he saw the amount of lashes on his back. Thankfully though, non of them seemed to have broken the skin. Hux kissed Kylo's forehead and held him for a while, he really didn't understand why he'd do this to himself.

“Let's get you back to our quarters, okay?” Hux asked softly. Kylo nodded, so Hux helped him get to his feet. “Where's your cloak? We can't have you walking the corridors like this.” 

Kylo pointed towards a bundle of clothes in the corner of the room, and Hux went and picked them up. Kylo seemed to be swaying on his feet now, as if he couldn't hold himself up for much longer. Hux helped him back into his clothes and wrapped his cloak around him, then guided him out of the room. Hux considered taking Kylo to the med bay; he really didn't look well, but he knew Kylo would hate that, so he lead him back to their quarters. Due to the late hour they didn't run into anyone on the way, which Hux was thankful of. It wouldn’t do for people to see the Supreme Leader looking so weak.

When they got back Hux helped Kylo back out of his shirt and led him to the bed. He got Kylo to lie on his front while he went to get the med kit from the fresher. He'd only been away a minute, but Kylo already looked like he was half asleep. Hux switched on the lamp to get a better look at Kylo's back, but in the better light the damage looked much worse; he could see now that some of the lashes had indeed broken the skin, and he shook his head in dismay. He got out the sterilizer and started cleaning the wounds, and Kylo gasped every time he touched the broken skin with the stinging chemical; but he didn't complain. When he was done he covered the wounds in bacta gel, and placed bandages on the worst ones.

“There, all done,” Hux told him. He put the med kit away and sat on the bed with crossed legs, then started stroking his hair again. They sat in silence for a few minuets while Hux tried to think of what to say. “Kylo, I'm worried about you,” he said eventually. 

“It's okay, Hux, I'm fine,” Kylo said stubbornly, without opening his eyes.

“No, you're not fine!” Hux said, exasperated. “Why would you do this to yourself?”

“Pain helps me connect to the dark side of the force,” Kylo explained again, but he didn't sound as committed to it as last time.

“Let me guess 'you don't have the force so you wouldn't understand', is that it?” Hux snapped. He was starting to feel irritated now that the initial shock had worn off a little. “Let me help you.”

“I thought I could handle it, Hux, but it's too much,” Kylo said sadly. “When I train it takes my mind off everything.”

“What you were doing, that wasn't training, Kylo, that was a punishment. I don't know why you think you deserve that, but you don't.”

“I'm messing all this up,” Kylo whined, and buried his head in his arms. “Snoke made it seem so easy.”

Hux sighed again, and continued to stroke Kylo's hair. “The thing about being in charge is that you get to delegate tasks to the people below you.” Hux explained. Kylo nodded against his arms, and Hux could have sworn he heard a muffled sob. “Not only is it my job as Grand Marshal to help you, it's also my job as your boyfriend to take care of you.”

Kylo let out another sob. Hux got up and walked round to Kylo's side of the bed. “Come on, let's get you sat up and I'll get you some water.” Hux said soothingly. Kylo hesitated for a second, then let Hux help him sit up in bed and rest against the pillows. He came back a moment later with a glass of water for Kylo, which he drank as if he were dying of thirst. Hux got back onto the bed then, and put his arm around Kylo's shoulders; making sure to avoid his wounds. Kylo rubbed the tears from his eyes and laid his head on Hux's shoulder.

“You need to promise me you'll never do that again,” Hux said. Kylo didn't reply. “Kylo, please.”

“I need to do it, the dark side requires-” Kylo started to say, but Hux interrupted him. 

“Oh, 'the dark side, the dark side', enough already!” Hux snapped, which seemed to make Kylo jump. He starred at Hux now, incredulous. “I refuse to believe you need to, _beat_ yourself to use your force thing. I won't have it.”

“But Hux-”

“No! Snoke was manipulating you, Kylo, he managed to convince you to beat _yourself_ into submission. I don't know anything about the force, but I know abusers. I know how they work, how they think, and what they'll do to keep you down. I know-” Hux trailed off, not able to catch his breath. It was Kylo's turn to comfort him now; he took Hux into his arms and shushed him gently, trying to calm him. “I'm sorry,” Hux said weakly, voice slightly muffled against Kylo's chest. 

“It's okay,” Kylo murmured. 

“You still haven't promised,” Hux said miserably. 

“Okay,” Kylo sighed, “for you, I promise.” Hux raised his head and kissed Kylo tenderly; the stress and worry starting to leave his body, leaving him feeling exhausted. 

“Thank you,” Hux murmured between soft kisses.

 

It had been a week since the incident, and as far as Hux could tell Kylo had been true to his word. Hux didn't think he could take it if he found Kylo hurting himself again, the whole situation had been so stressful; it made his heart sick to think of it. Yet he couldn't stop thinking about it; remembering how weak Kylo had been. Every time he had seen his partner's bare back since then, all marked and bruised from his self-inflicted beating, he felt his blood boil. Hux had assumed that with Snoke dead he couldn't hurt them any more; but the idea that he could hurt his Kylo from beyond grave filled him a white hot rage. 

Much to Hux's dismay, Kylo was starting to notice something was wrong. How could he not? He couldn't even look at his boyfriend naked without clenching his jaw; remembering that horrible night to explicit detail. Hux really hoped the bacta would hurry up and get rid of the scars so he could forget about it. 

“All right, that's enough, just tell me what the problem is,” Kylo said that night, after he stripped off his shirt for a shower. He must have noticed Hux tense up, or he had felt his anguish through the force, he wasn't sure which. 

“What do you mean?” Hux asked; trying to feign ignorance.

“You know damn well what I mean,” Kylo replied. He threw his shirt away and strode over to Hux with a look of irritation in his eyes. “Every time I've undressed this week I've felt anger pouring out of you.”

“Maybe you should get out of my head,” Hux snapped. Kylo's nostrils flared in anger.

“I'm not even trying to read you, your mind is just screaming at me.” Kylo took another step forward, crowding into Hux's personal space. But Hux withdrew immediately; he knew no win situation when he saw one. He would have to come clean.

“I'm sorry, darling,” Hux said; averting his gaze from Kylo's intense eyes. “It's your back.”

“My back?” Kylo repeated in confusion. 

“Yes. Every time I see it I remember what you did to yourself, I can't bare it,” Hux said quietly. Kylo placed his hand under Hux's chin and lifted his head to look at him; his expression had softened now, and he looked almost sad. 

“I promised you I'd stop, and I have,” Kylo told him. Hux just nodded; not trusting himself to speak. Kylo leaned in, kissed him gently, and stroked his hair. “When I did what I did, I didn't think about how it would effect you, and I'm sorry for that.” Kylo murmured.

“It's not you I'm angry at,” Hux said. “I thought we were safe, I didn't think he'd be able to hurt us again.” 

“He's gone, he can't hurt either of us ever again,” Kylo insisted.

“I want to believe that, I do, but he did hurt you. How can you be certain he isn't still around, in the force or something? How do you know he's not still whispering in your head?” Hux took a deep breath; finally admitting his greatest fear. He knew now that was what had really been bothering him, but he had been too scared to admit it to himself. 

“If he still lived, I'd sense his presence,” Kylo said. He put his arms around Hux's waist and bought him even closer. “I promise you, Snoke is never coming back.”

“Okay,” Hux sighed. “I believe you.” Hux wrapped his arms around Kylo's neck, and they stood there holding each other for a while; breathing each other in. Eventually, Hux pulled away, and he started to feel embarrassed of how he had been acting this past week. He'd let his fear control him; something he had vowed a long time ago never to allow again.

“Why don't we have a bath?” Kylo asked, suddenly. Hux raised his eyebrow in surprise; they hadn't used the luxurious bath in their quarters once since they had moved in. “It'll be relaxing!” Kylo insisted, in response to Hux's scepticism.

“It's a waste of water,” Hux replied without any real conviction. The truth was, Hux actually liked the idea.

“I'm the Supreme Leader, I'll waste as much water as I like!” Kylo said in mock indignation. Hux actually laughed at that, and gave Kylo a smile. Taking that as a yes, Kylo rushed off to run a bath, leaving Hux to take off his uniform in peace. 

A few minuets later Hux walked into the bathroom in just his robe, and was surprised to find that the room now smelt of lavender and the bath was filled with bubbles; he didn't even realise they owned any bath oils. Kylo could be full of surprises sometimes.

“Where did the bath stuff come from?” Hux asked. 

“I've been saving it,” Kylo said; smiling brightly. Hux shook his head, but smiled back nonetheless. Judging the bath to be full enough, Kylo turned off the taps and slid himself into the soapy water. Hux removed his robe and followed suit; sliding in between Kylo's legs, with his back against his chest. He sighed as the warm water covered his aching muscles, and relaxed against Kylo; breathing in the smell of the lavender.

“This is nice,” Hux admitted. Kylo wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and started gently kissing his neck. Kylo was right, Hux thought, this really was relaxing; he could feel the stress melting away. A few minutes passed with Hux and Kylo just enjoying the warm water, and gentle touches. The stress felt so far away now that Hux started to feel like he had been worrying over nothing; letting himself give in to paranoia. 

“Can I wash your hair?” Kylo asked. Hux nodded in agreement, then sat up a little to give him some room to move. Kylo picked up a jug and filled it with water from the bath. “Put your head back,” Kylo told him. When he complied Kylo slowly poured the water over Hux's hair; being careful to avoid his eyes. After repeating this a few times, Kylo poured some shampoo onto his hand, and started to massage it into Hux's hair. Hux closed his eyes and moaned softly as Kylo massaged his scalp; it had always been a sensitive area for Hux, and this felt divine. 

Kylo spent a long while massaging Hux's scalp, and by the end of it he felt like him limbs had turned to jelly. He rinsed Hux's hair and gathered him back up into his arms, then used a wash cloth and some wonderful smelling soap to wash his body. Hux let his head fall back onto Kylo's shoulder and moaned softly at the feeling of Kylo taking care of him like this. Soon, Hux started to feel very drowsy, as if he could fall asleep at any minute. 

“Let's get you into bed,” Kylo murmured. Hux nodded and sat forward again, then Kylo got out of the bath and quickly dried himself off. Once he was dry he held out his hand and helped Hux out of the bath, then wrapped him in a fluffy towel. Hux felt so exhausted now that he just let Kylo dry him; and when he was done he steered Hux into the bedroom and watched him get into bed. Kylo quickly went back to the bathroom to drain the bath, then followed Hux into their bed and wrapped himself around the smaller man. 

“You're too good to me,” Hux said, once Kylo was settled; the exhaustion making him slur his words. Kylo kissed Hux's damp hair, and over his neck and shoulders; which made Hux sigh and snuggle deeper into his arms. “What did I do to deserve you?” he asked, even quieter now. 

“It's me who doesn't deserve you,” Kylo answered; whispering against Hux's neck. “You're perfect.” The bath had done the job, and it wasn't long until both men fell asleep; safe in each other's arms.

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you liked this, let me know! You can follow me on [Tumblr](http://ragdoll-hux.tumblr.com/). :)


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